Why Do I Need Help?
My partner is the one who needs help!
Almost every client I have ever had, at one time or another
You are in pain and angry because of the infidelity that your partner has committed. This is something that has happened to you. You didn’t do it or cause it, so you may be asking, why do I need help?
This is something I have heard so many times and I even thought about it myself. I didn’t choose to cheat. I didn’t choose to look at porn or spend hours a night up talking to someone else. So why on earth do I need to talk to someone about this?
We all feel…
I am already ashamed and hurt. And I don’t really want to have to drag it out for someone to look at and then most likely they will just tell me what I did wrong. How if about was a better wife he wouldn’t have done it. Or if I was better looking.
Maybe I don’t want to see someone because I don’t feel like they can possibly understand what I am dealing with? There are so many hurts. How can anyone understand?
Maybe I am the problem. Maybe what he’s doing isn’t really that big of a deal. What if I talk to someone and they really tell me I am just being a baby or prude? What if I am the problem?
You didn’t choose this…
Here is the thing though. You may not have chosen this but it happened to you. Your heart and brain have been through a trauma that will not heal on their own. The cycle of brain trauma has caused a loop that will not go away on its own because your brain thinks it is protecting you from further trauma. It sees triggers and panic attacks as warning systems to make you stay safe. It has no off switch to stop the cycle. It takes retraining your brain on how to deal with the situations and feelings.
You may be ashamed but this is not your shame to carry. You didn’t do anything to cause your partner to do this. It is their own messed up coping mechanisms. He has no idea how to function without using until he gets the help and tools he needs. In most cases he started using objectification and sex way before you ever entered the scene.
There are many different tools out there…
Really you need some tools also. You didn’t cause it but look at the damage it has done to you. It has messed with your emotions and your mental state. These have actual scientific causes when linked to sexual betrayal that date back so far into our subconscious that there is no way to just skip working on it. Our emotional and mental wellbeing start in our thoughts. When we are traumatized we take on beliefs based on the trauma.
I’m not enough
I’m not safe
I’m not loved
There is help, you can find a new balance. With the right tools and the training you will be able to process the pain, change the thought patterns and shift the beliefs that this has instilled in your brain.
Looking into the thoughts that you are having because of your spouse’s choices can lead to the beliefs that you are holding on to about yourself. When you get help you will find out how to deal with these. You will meet others who have gone through the same issues. Seeing how many women are dealing with this can help you to know you are not the problem.
There is support available…
You are not alone. You are not the one who did something wrong. When your partner said they were going to be faithful, you believed them. What they did was wrong. It hurt your heart and soul. You allowed them into your inner being and they threw you away. There are thousands of people in the same situations as you and your partner.
Getting help isn’t about being weak or strong either. It is about being shown a path that others have walked to freedom from pain. They paved the way for us to be able to know where to turn. If you can find instructions to do something is it weak to read them? No, and this is the same type of situation.
One thing I will say though is that you need to ONLY see people about this that are knowledgeable about betrayal trauma. There are many therapists and coaches out there that do not have the understanding on what betrayal trauma is or how to deal with it. Always ask if they have betrayal trauma training or partners of sex addiction.