So what miracle are you selling?It is not a miracle in any way. This takes heart and perseverance. You will need to dedicate time to follow through on your goals. You will need to make yourself stand up when you want to lay down and cry. You will need to give 100% to get your life back and get the happiness back into your soul. You who can say, I am done being hurt. You out there that can feel in your gut that there is a way out of the pit of despair. This is why I only want the ones that this is speaking to, who know they can’t take any more lies, who want a better life. There is work to be done but with me you will have a guide and support.
Well what do you start with?Self Care, yes you have to start at the most basic level. You will need to stop focusing on your spouse and what they are doing. This will free up time for you to put into yourself and your healing. This is not easy or something that you just do over-night. You will most likely start and stop a few times. You will need to be reminded at times, and there will be times for your sanity that you do go ahead and look or ask something that isn’t technically on your side of the street and that is OK. You may start with small steps like not following them to work. Eventually, you will feel safe enough in yourself to not even check on them without reason. No more random panic, or ideas that don’t really make sense. You will know without using crazy-making tactics whether or not they are in recovery. You will know if your relationship is worth saving. You will be the one in control of your life and destiny.
What will get us there?You and I will start by making emergency boundaries to give yourself some relief from the constant anxiety surrounding your spouses’ addiction. You will need to understand how boundaries work at a rudimentary level and we will them make a plan for what you want to change. You will be in control of your life again almost immediately from day one. Control may not mean your spouse does what you want but it does mean you have a plan and know what you are doing. We will periodically evaluate and renegotiate boundaries as needed to continue your healing. By the time you are ready to get really into your beliefs, you will be completely prepared to make, negotiate, and follow through on boundaries.
I learned a huge amount from the book Moving Beyond Betrayal: The 5-Step Boundary Solution for Partners of Sex Addicts by Vicki Tidwell Palmer Karina-
Ok, we have some safety. Now what?You will need to process the pain of what your spouse has done to know what you want and how you will improve your life. To make the correct decisions you will dissect the most prominent times your spouse hurt you. I will give you the tools to make this easier and faster than you would think but it will bring up emotions you may not have realized you had. This is because many of us have to suppress how we feel to go through our everyday lives carrying these enormous loads of pain and betrayal. There will be a lot that you may not have realized impacted you, making triggers that hurt that you couldn’t identify before. You will write them all down. We will look for the root thought and follow that to what you feel and believe because of it.
Well I have looked at a lot of SA PArtners Recovery pages and I didn’t see anything about all that.You are correct, you probably didn’t. Many of the SA partners programs I have seen do not actually address the root of the pain we have. If I hadn’t had a lot of training in grief coaching and other types of coaching I probably wouldn’t go any farther either. But to change how we feel we have to change how we think. No, I am not talking about making what your partner did ok, It is not ok. They broke one of the most sacred agreements in long-term relationships. You will be walked through the deeper feelings you have about yourself based on your partners’ addiction. By having training in so many areas I am better equipped to help make permanent changes. Many programs are only trained one way and one way only. This is a mistake, in my opinion, having different backgrounds to call on gives me an advantage. Many of the Partner Coaching sites I have seen stop at boundaries, self care, and a recovery plan. I absolutely agree with these, I just think there are more steps to full recovery than that. You want real healing, you go to the source.
Ok well, what does all this do?
By doing these things and using the tools I will give you, you will make changes you may have never thought possible. You will move through the sessions making progress every week that we connect. Sometimes it will be a leap and others it may be a baby step but you will not stay stagnant. You will be moving away from that deep dark pit of pain and despair. I have never had an unsatisfied client and I never plan to. Your healing is literally my goal in life. I want to save as many others from the pit as I can. I’m reaching for you, you just have to reach back.