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Trauma Bonding, What It Is/What It Isn’t

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Trauma Bonding, What It Is/What It Isn’t

Trauma Bonding

So What is Trauma Bonding?

I have been saying I will be talking about trauma bonding for a while and not really hitting the mark how I would like. I am going to work on changing that over the next week or two.


I know that trauma bonding is talked about in regards to narcissistic abuse and other abuse situations but we have found that the dramatic up and down and back and forth of P and S Addiction cause the same issues *(where did i get this)

Changes in Thinking and Mental Processing Occur

P&s cause so much turmoil in our minds that we have to make changes in our thinking to continue on in the relationship. This is strengthened by inconsistent positive reinforcement as our relationship goes through times where our partner is trying to make us happy, doing well, not usdin, or even when we HOPE they are. Then we are hit with a ton of bricks as we find out they have been lying and continuing their behaviors or have fallen back into them. We then go through the pain and anger which leads them to try to win us back.

The pain and trauma makes it hard to live in the reality of the day so we tend to fall into the temptation of:

Cycle of abuse and cycle of addiction

The cycle of abuse and the cycle of addiction tend to run together into a cycle that our relationship takes on. This makes the trauma bonding increase in strength as we travel through every cycle.

When we are going through trauma with someone we as humans become more bonded with them, as seen with those in war situations.

The more times we ride the cycle the more trauma bonding happens.


Trauma bonding creates a need in us to fix THIS relationship


It makes us feel extremely close with this person so we feel we would be failing if we leave this relationship

The Bond Begins to Feel Normal

Because of the nature of trauma bonding we feel that we truly can not live without this person. We get to where we know no other way of living because we are in survival mode and our brain can not process more than what it already is.

The Pain Adds To the Bond

We go through times where they ignore us or other emotional distance and then when they are emotionally with us it feels like they are giving us the world because of the past withdrawal.

The same situations causing the bond are also causing brain damage in that our brain goes into a survival mode and we may find it hard to concentrate, remember emotionally regulate, and many other things.

Our Happiness is Warped

When we do try to leave it may feel like we will never be happy again, the end of the world, we may go back just to stop the pain even though the relationship causes pain also.


It is not an excuse, when we know there is abuse and if it is not immediately worked on when pointed out to the other person, we have to make moves to care for ourselves.


It is not going to go away by itself


It will continue to affect relationships long after unless dealt with


These types of relationships are dangerous, there is no just leave. It must be planned and worked on. I do not suggest just leaving unless that is the safe thing to do.

Finding Help

There are places to help, support groups online, councilors, and coaches. The biggest factor in the changes you want to make are you. You have to decide that you are worth the pain of leaving to get to the pleasure of living again. Many of us sadly do not make it. I hope you are one of the strong ones. Look for Facebook groups that talk about trauma bonding for people that have been there and made it out. Or search online to find help in your area. I will post about ways to help come out of the fog of trauma bonding soon. 

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