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Loss of the Dream

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Loss of the Dream

What is the Loss of the Dream?

Loss of the dream is when we realize no matter what, our marriage is not what we believed it to be and never will be. We realized as our partner is a sex addict of some sort, there will always be a limited place in our lives. We may feel we are limited by their addiction in things like where we vacation, where we go and what we are comfortable with by their triggers and our own. We will fear something will trigger their addiction and we will be hurt again. We now have completely different rules for our relationship and our sex lives. We have to keep ourselves safe from the ONE person we should be able to trust completely. That knowledge has been the undoing of many marriages, yours does not have to be one of them if you do not want that. Yes things will always be different but if you both want to work for it, you can still make things work. The dream marriage will always be gone but you can make a new dream. Having a new dream will help to recover your ability to believe in your relationship, help you to feel closure from the past, and give you hope for the future. You will have a new life to look forward to while letting the past go.First though you will need to do a few things.

Where to Start?

You will need to mourn the dream marriage you thought you had. No matter what that is to you, there will be a period of letting that go that will most likely move through the same stages as grief. Most people experience the five stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance but not always in that order. And this is not a linear process. You may move through these stages in any order and even revisit stages as needed to process. That may take a long time or not depending on you and how you process things. It took me a lot to let my dream of my marriage go. I kept feeling like eventually we would be able to go back to how things were before but every time we tried, he started using again. The problem was that when we expected to go back to “normal” we also went back to unhealthy habits. That was completely counterproductive every time. When we finally decided to make a LIFE change, we finally got out of the loop of finding out he was using, getting better, denial, back to using, finding out, repeat. Sadly in some cases my own past schooling set us up for failure.
Then you will have to forgive yourself. Without forgiving yourself you won’t actually be able to move past this trauma. You will continue to dwell and relive the trauma because your subconscious will feel it is possible to happen again and it needs to warn you by reminding you over and over. We also need to forgive ourselves because it is part of the process to letting go and moving forward. I’m sure you are questioning what you did wrong. The answer is you will need to forgive yourself for believing the lies, falling for the gaslighting, the pain and anger from your marriage. All the bad feelings. I don’t know why we blame ourselves for things we could not control but there is a large part somewhere inside that can not move on until we work through this form of self hate. And it may take a very long time. You will need to find the root of the feeling and confront it. You will need to see it for what it really is and then forgive and let go. No I don’t mean anything about forgiving your spouse at this time, this is all about YOU. You will need to acknowledge whatever part you had in everything and let that go.

Parting Thoughts

I am also going to say something that you may not be able to accept at this time. No you did not cause his use or make him continue or anything like that BUT there are things in your relationship that you could have done better that may have contributed to the issues in your relationship, not in his addiction, but your relationship . No I am not blaming you. No you do not need to take all the blame but if you want things to work you need to evaluate what you can do differently. Maybe you need to learn to listen to your partner without judgement. Maybe you could work on loving him how he needs or how he understands. You may need to use boundaries more in your relationship in general so you both can have a healthy relationship. This is an advanced stage and may not be something you can do at this time, but at some point after you have been in recovery for a while you will have to find the new norm with your partner. That will also take time and depend on them following through and seeking help. But if you both are committed and you both want things to work more than anything you will be able to do this. Many couples are going through this and thriving, there is hope and healing available.

Coaching Services

If you’d like to talk about what help I can be during your journey, please go to my Booking page and book a free consultation.

Questions

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