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Discovering My Husband’s Porn Addiction, Betrayal Trauma

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Discovering My Husband’s Porn Addiction, Betrayal Trauma

This is not my usual post of information or support. I have decided to share how I learned about Betrayal Trauma and what drives me to help others who are dealing with issues pertaining to it. I will not really be giving any information in this post but giving my audience an insight into my past and how that has allowed me to open myself to others.

One of the most painful days of my life was the day that I caught my husband using porn. Not because I am a prude, but because of my previous abuse being tied to a partner and their porn use. I had told my husband how I felt about porn and WHY before we ever dated. We were friends who had spent significant time talking about pretty much everything under the sun and he had even agreed with me that it didn’t belong in a relationship. I believed him when he said he didn’t use it or have any or like it. I believed him when he said it wasn’t something he was interested in. I believed him when he said he had no use for it if he was already with someone. Part of my initial attraction to my husband we shared this belief and I felt very safe moving forward into a relationship with him.

Sadly, he lied about everything he said, and the majority of my pain was from finding that the previously discussed shared belief was false more than the actual usage of porn itself. He was not only using it, he had been for almost our whole relationship. So what did that mean to me? Well, as he had explained he had no use for it if he was with someone my immediate thought was “He must need more than me” or “I am not enough”. I mean if he didn’t need it when in a relationship, WHY was he using it behind my back?

As he didn’t know I had found out, I decided to ask him about it. Guess what? He kept lying. He first said he didn’t know what I was talking about. He literally stuck with this until I proved that I knew. Then he tried blaming the neighbor. And again he would not budge. I had to again prove I knew it was not anyone else. I actually had to ASK the neighbor if he had used our computer. When he said he was at work at the time and his wife confirmed, my husband realized he had no way out. So he finally agreed it was him. But that was the only time he had ever used it.

At first I accepted this. I believed him. Why would he lie? (yes I realize that makes no sense now as he had been lying a LOT). But I just couldn’t shake a strange feeling in my gut. It just would not go away.

I finally decided to look at the internet history, but there was NOTHING there. Like, at all. As in, it had been completely erased. That was when I realized he had lied again. So I confronted him, Guess what he did? He lied and would NOT stop. He would not accept any responsibility at all unless I could PROVE he did it. So I stewed and hurt and felt so angry that I didn’t even know what to do. My stomach was in constant pain all the time. I got headaches, nightmares, and symptoms of depression. But not once did he give me the answers I needed. He continued on as if nothing had happened. I felt torn apart, not only by his use that made me feel like human waste, unloved, ugly, unwanted, but by the lies that kept coming and the nagging feeling that there was SOMETHING going on.

During this time other things happened, like he stopped wanting to be with my physically unless I did exactly what he wanted, he stopped saying I love you, He began to treat me horribly. He would put me down, demand strange things, lie about just about anything. I had no idea what was going on.

I was a wreck all the time. I didn’t know why or what was wrong with myself. I left him one morning to go to school, but on the way I got this strange feeling that I needed to go home. I didn’t know why but I quickly returned home instead of going to school. I got home, ran inside, looked around for my husband and caught him AGAIN using pornography.

This time I demanded he let me look NOW at the history. He got angry, he yelled, and even went so far as to call me names. He continued demanding that I not look or he was leaving and not coming back. I said fine, go but don’t think you’ll come back. At this point I didn’t know what to do or why I was so upset except that he was hiding and lying to me. He finally gave in and let me look. It was filled with pages. As the days folded into each other, we talked about what was going on and how I felt. He tried to stop many times and each time he lasted a little longer.

This was the beginning of a long road. A road of learning and pain and discovery and triumph. I began looking into pornography and why it hurt. I first learned about pornography addiction but didn’t believe it could be that as he just could not be an addict. Not my husband. Except he was. He could not stop, or change without help, and I could not be that help, I had to completely let go of his recovery or actions to focus on myself. I had to change my understanding of a marriage to fit my new reality. I had to have significant help. I learned about Betrayal Trauma, the issues it causes, the self esteem issues involved, the attachment disorders that are involved and much more. It took a long time and training and I have had to look at my own feelings, not for him but myself. I took in what he was doing, down to my soul, and it changed how I saw myself. I no longer had confidence. I was no longer happy and upbeat. I had to learn to RECOVER from his infidelity. I had to learn how to RECOVER from the Betrayal Trauma I had sustained. As I learned, I realized this was just the last straw in a huge pile of things that I had taken in and allowed to change my thinking and feelings for the negative. There were a lifetime of traumas that led me to this point and my belief system. Many were not actually conducive to having a happy life.

I will be going over how Betrayal Trauma is caused, what it does to a person’s view of themselves and others and how to begin to change the issues it causes in the next Post. If you have any questions, please comment.

If you are curious if coaching could help you, please contact me on my contact page and we can set up a free consultation.

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