What I Wish Someone Had Told Me on Betrayal Trauma Discovery Day
So many hurts
There are so many things I know now that I wish I had known on Betrayal Trauma Discovery day. I had no real idea what to do or who to turn to. My heart felt like it was breaking and going numb at the same time.
I am going to share a few things I learned over the years with you
I couldn’t think straight and I was so very angry. These are all normal reactions to betrayal but again I didn’t know that. I can still feel the pain if I focus on it.
D’Day for me was literally walking in on my husband using. I had only came back from college to grab a paper I forgot.
This was a huge surprise as we talked about how we felt about Porn when we were first starting to date. My first husband was also a sex addict but at the time I had no idea, I only knew I hated what porn did to him.
I knew after that there was no room for it in my relationships. My heart dropped to the floor and I felt like I was falling. Had I gained that much weight? Was I completely unlovable? Because this was not the first man to choose other women over me. Was I destined to drive men to others?
Actually you, like me, cannot make anyone do anything they don't want to do.
We are not responsible for their choices. We did nothing to deserve the pain we are put through. If your significant other is also an addict, they will most likely use these feelings against you.
Addicts Manipulate and make try to make us crazy. They will use anything to blame us. They will say it is how we act, look or even treat them. If you asked them too often what was wrong, they will say you are smothering them. If you ignore them, then it’s your fault because you don’t care. There is no way to make them happy until they get help.
Intentionally causing issues
They make these thoughts very real in their heads to make it OK to cheat. They focus on the small things that bother them so they don’t feel bad. They will take something small and make it into a fight so they can feel better about using. They need to have a reason to do what they do and will turn anything into that reason.
Nothing you do or dont do
Nothing you do or don’t do will change how they react. There is no way to win or to make them not do something. The best thing you can do is to get help and support for you. This will give you the foundation to start from.
You will need to make boundaries so you can start to heal.
Your boundaries won’t stop what they do but will give you a way to keep yourself safe. I wanted someone to tell me how to make him stop. That isn’t possible. You can make boundaries to keep you safe and to give them the choices to do what they need to make things better. That will not always mean they will stop.
Boundaries are where you stop and they begin
This is about what you will or will not allow done to you. Yes, you can have boundaries that say if they use you will not engage. But you can’t make a boundary that says they can’t do something. That isn’t how boundaries work. Yes you can decide what you will do if they do something, but not what they will do.
Boundaries are somewhat like natural consequences. When I do this, this happens. We can’t use them to punish someone. They are not there to be a weapon or to hurt them back.
This doesn't mean you won't get hurt again.
Until you learn to center in yourself, you will continue to get hurt by what they do. This is not to say you will not care about them or something. This is saying that eventually, with healing, what they do won’t put you into a head spin like it does now.
There will most likely be a trickle of d’days.
This means that there will be more than one time where you get information from them. Usually, that they did something you would never suspect. They almost never tell everything the first time. They don’t know how to be honest about this area of their lives. Most Likely they will need significelp just to be able to talk about it.
They need to heal and get help too
Many of our spouses will say this is a one time thing. They will try to make us believe we should trust them immediately and that if we don’t we are bad people. This is not normal thinking. This is addict thinking. They are unable to logically look at the situation and see that if they were talking to friends, they would never tell them to trust overnight.
You will need to take care of yourself
Sadly, they did the damage but with their own prior damage they are not able to help us out of the ditch they threw us in. We want to turn to them for comfort. We want them to be responsible. We want them to acknowledge the pain and damage they have done to us. They are not able at this time, to do that. They will need counseling, coaching, an accountability partner and other help just to stop using.
They will try white knuckling.
This will not work but again we cannot force anyone to do anything they don’t want to do. Look for ways to keep yourself going and when they don’t make it, be sure to stick to your boundaries.
So out of all this I will say again, you will need to focus on you. You will need to get your own support. There will be more hurt either dealing with what is happening or when you process what they did. If someone told me to take care of myself and find support that understands, I think I would have done better. I hope this helps you. I know we want to make changes over night but that won’t happen. Keep in mind what you can do to help yourself.
As always, I am available for singles and couples coaching. Call now for your FREE consultation to get more help and find out what our sessions can do for you.