7 Things You Need to Know on DDay
7 Things You Need to Know on DDay
First what do I mean by DDay? Well that is what we call discovery day. The day you find out your significant other is cheating or using porn or texting other people for sexual purposes. This is the day that your whole life turns upside down and it can actually happen multiple times over the course of your relationship. Sadly when we decide to trust them and they do the same or other betrayal to us and we find out it is still just as devastating and in some ways more so.
So what do you need to know on dday?
- No matter what they say, they are almost never honest when you first catch them. If they are addicted to compulsatory sexual behavior they will not be able to be honest, it is part of the manipulation to keep their addiction going. They may believe whatever they say or they may be calculating. Here are statistics from TECHADDICTION.CA about online use:
- Gaslighting is trying to change reality to suit their needs. This will include trying to convince you that you are wrong or did not see what you saw or they never even saw that person. This is also emotional and psychological abuse. They will present their version of reality like it is truth over and over to make you doubt yourself. “The Role of Gaslighting in Sexual Addiction”, by Rob Weiss, LCSW has some very good information about Gaslighting if you are interested.
- You did NOTHING to MAKE them do whatever they did. They will continue trying to make you feel bad or responsible so it is therefore not their fault they downloded hours of porn or cheated with the secretary. It is another manipulation to take the heat off them and put it somewhere else. They hope that id you are blaming yourself you won’t be watching them or thinking they will continue and bonus you may do things you otherwise would never do if it hadn’t happened. Information for Spouses and Partners of Sex Addicts by Robert Weiss is a very good resource.
- When you hold on to the truth they will get angry. They will attack you in any way they think will make you do what they want and drop things. They may use everything you’ve ever done or call you names or maybe they will just leave and make you worry all night, possibly making you think they are going to kill themselves, If they ever say that the best course is to report it to the police and let them deal with it as it may be manipulation or it may be desperation which can mean they will actually try it and you never know which until after.
- If they act sorry and start telling you things they are most likely also trying to see how much you know and what they can still get away with. Some are genuinely remorseful but as addicts without the help they need they will continue to do the same things they have always don’t because it is their coping mechanism. They will try to white knuckle until they cant anymore and then they will go back to what they were doing before.
- They will need counseling and will most likely not want it. Most addicts go back and forth with wanting help and not depending if there is a crisis they are trying to manage at the time. If they are trying to fix things and really want the help they will show it by making steps and following through. As stated in “Its Not About Sex” by Stacy Notaras Murphy, this addiction has nothing to do with sex. It can be from multiple issues like the inability to connect to others, or being unable to handle emotions. They need qualified help from someone trained in SA and PA. It is not helpful for them to see other types of therapists as they may actually tell the addict they are normal without really knowing or play into the addicts behaviors and manipulation. As with all addictions it is important to get help from someone who specialized in this area.
- Your emotions and symptoms of PTSD are real. It is called Betrayal Trauma and it is just as real as PTSD. You are not alone and you deserve help. You can find it through a therapist trained to deal with Partners Of Sex Addicts but you should make sure that your therapist is qualified. If you go to a non qualified person they can actually cause more harm than good and even re-traumatize you.
You are not the bad guy and you did nothing wrong in choosing to love someone who didn’t show you who they were. I know many people say we must have something wrong with us to have chosen someone that had an addiction but the biggest thing about SA is it is a secret. They live by keeping this secret and we didn’t have any idea. It is not like a drug addiction that you can see physical evidence even without knowing what is going on, this addiction can be completely hidden.
DDay is a horrible experience that I wish no one ever went through but as it is happening and continues to happen I hope knowing you are not alone and that there are others out there will give you if not peace at lease comfort.
I am available for coaching if you are interested and I give a free consultation for every new client to see if we are a fit and how I can help you. Call today to make an appointment, (541)903-5783. I am offering a buy 3 sessions get one free at the moment.